- 2 days ago
- 2 days ago
- 2 days ago
- 2 days ago
Someone turn this into a fic right now…
(Can’t turn that one down, turtle-back!)
Maura had seriously considered leaving.
Her only other option was to selfishly, pathetically wish that Jane would get cold feet and call off the wedding to that horrific soldier who had the gall to call himself a human being. Maura had endured the engagement dinner Angela had insisted on throwing, the bridal shower she’d been obligated to put on when she could not refuse Jane’s invitation to be her maid of honor, and she had endured every day since just getting by on the naive hope that Jane would call it all off.
All for what could have been, if Casey hadn’t ever come back to Boston.
Maura would never forget the first time Jane kissed her. She’d never forget the last time, or any of the times in between. But that first one, it was special. It was the angst of the immediacy of that wound Jane had sustained in shooting herself to get Martinez - the hazy world of hospital visits where the doctors could see the term ‘visiting hours’ didn’t apply to Maura Isles, because she’d be damned if she wasn’t there as soon as Jane woke up. It was Jane coming back to consciousness, and whispering that she would hate it if something more serious were to happen to her and she’d never gotten the chance to tell Maura how she felt and kissed her.
And Maura had been so grateful, so glad, so elated to be the person Jane wanted to be so close to, emotionally and physically. She was able to get through her longest days by the thought of being with Jane in the evenings, and she was so happy it nearly made her delirious. She found herself smiling during the day for no reason. She was glued to her phone when they were apart, because heaven forbid she miss a text from Jane asking about her day or talking about something funny a doctor had mentioned or complaining about her trauma surgeon.
Maura had never adored someone so completely.
And then Casey had come back just as Jane had been released from the hospital, and everything fell apart.
“I care about you, Maura, I do”
"but I can’t do this"
"my family wouldn’t understand"
"it’s not something i’m ready for"
"please you have to understand, you have to know why i can’t—"
“I only know that I love you.”
That’d been the first time she had said it in so many words. And Jane’s eyes had softened, they brightened with tears.
“i love you too, maura, but i can’t do this. i’m so sorry.”
“You’re not. But I’m sorry for you.”
The funny (not so funny) thing was that after a lengthy period of not speaking to each other, when coworkers began to ask questions, they had made a clumsy attempt at renewing their friendship for the sake of keeping up appearances - almost like how a couple on the verge of divorce might. Those had been some of the hardest months of Maura’s life, not just for the traumatic incidents that took place during them but because Jane, her once-steadfast soldier, had not been there quite like she used to. As if she was wary of getting too close.
And now that man was going to take her forever.
Even if he hadn’t been the one Maura held responsible for taking Jane away from her, she wouldn’t have liked him. He was too proud. He was obnoxious, and he was callous, and he didn’t respect Jane’s professionalism. But he’d also taken advantage of Jane. Maura felt sure that if he hadn’t swooped in at the start of her and Jane’s relationship, with the offer of stability and “normality” and familiarity, she might have been able to help Jane into a state of true happiness and self-acceptance.
What she saw instead was a woman scrambling to prove that she could be satisfied—happy—being a soldier’s wife. This soldier’s wife. After a certain amount of time, Maura dreaded that marriage would be inevitable, but that didn’t make the announcement any easier to bear.
And could Jane really not know how tactless it was to ask Maura to be her maid of honor?
(Had Angela pushed her into it? Was she really over whatever they’d shared, and did she assume Maura was as well? That everything was fine? It had been a long time.)
The day before the wedding, Maura got a text from Jane.
“I was wrong. Come outside.”
Maura sat for a minute or so wondering how best to respond to the text, but curiosity got the best of her and she walked outside to see Jane in Tommy’s truck.
"What’re you doing here?" she asked.
Jane opened the door of the truck and swung her legs out, facing Maura. “I wanna go somewhere with you.”
"Where? Angela said it wasn’t reasonable to get our hair done or anything until the day of the… until tomorrow."
"That isn’t what I mean." Jane reached for Maura’s hands, looking her straight in the eye. "I want to get away. And I really, really want you to come with me."
Maura closed her eyes and breathed deep, half-wishing she was strong and cool enough to pull away from Jane’s gentle grip. But oh, how she had missed those hands. She held them tighter and braved opening her eyes.
"Jane, what do you mean?"
"I mean that…I mean lots of things." (Why is she so lovely? Why can’t I think of anything else when I should be so upset with her?) Jane brushed a thick strand of hair from her face; there was a gentle breeze. “It means I don’t want to give in to fear.”
Maura swallowed hard, marveling at how quickly she could feel like crying. “I need more than that, Jane.”
"You deserve more than that. I wouldn’t blame you if you told me to go to hell and never wanted to see me again, but—but I was scared, Maura, really scared. You are… there has never been someone in my life who could destroy me as easily as you could have. And instead, I let myself do that to you. At first you made me feel so great, and so perfect - even with all my many, many faults - that I didn’t see how vulnerable you made me. I didn’t realize how much I was afraid of… how people saw me. I thought I’d gotten over that a long time ago, but I guess I haven’t. Hadn’t.
"Maura, I don’t want to marry him."
"Fine time to mention it," Maura sniffed, pulling one hand away to wipe at the tears that were falling.
"I know, baby, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. And it’s not fair to him, either - although he sure hasn’t been all that charming to me, so…”
"Jane, what? What are you saying?”
"I knew I didn’t want to marry him before I even accepted that half-assed proposal," Jane murmured. "I thought I could get over it. I thought I could handle it. I thought it’d be easy since I knew he’d never leave the army and he’d be gone so much, but honey, I was wrong. None of this has felt right, not even remotely. I just prayed and prayed for it to feel right, and it doesn’t. I pictured myself two, five, ten years from now waking up next to him and it feels so horribly wrong. It’s not what I want. It’s not just going to suddenly feel okay. I can’t just marry him on the faith that it’ll stop making me want to throw up all the time just thinking about it. And you know what I did this morning?”
"I prayed. And instead of asking for it to feel okay, I prayed to know what I was supposed to do. And here I am."
"You’re saying God told you to steal Tommy’s truck and come to my house?"
Jane almost laughed a little. “I’m saying that I know it’s time for me to stop being a chicken about the most important thing in my life. Because it’s my life, and the decisions I make need to be ones that I am proud of and that I’m okay with. And I’m so ashamed of how I’ve treated you, sweetheart.”
"I…I should’ve fought for you," Maura realized.
Jane’s brow furrowed and she got to her feet, outside the car. “No, no, baby. No.” She shifted her hands up to frame Maura’s face and kissed her softly. Like muscle memory, Maura responded immediately and it was over too soon and she was embarrassed for thinking so. Keeping her hands in place, Jane determinedly held Maura’s gaze and said, “You shouldn’t have had to fight for me, Maura. Not when I was willing to surrender myself so quickly to the adversary. It was my fault. Not yours. And I am here to beg your forgiveness.”
Maura didn’t know what to say, and after a long silence, threw her arms around Jane for the tightest embrace they had ever shared. It was actually painful, but Jane wasn’t about to complain. She returned its strength, gently stroking the back of Maura’s head and kissing her cheek.
"Jane, I want to trust you…I want so badly to trust you."
"I know I’ve given you every reason not to, Maura, and I am so incredibly sorry that I was so weak. I was so weak. And part of the reason I was so weak and allowed Casey to treat me like he did was because I had pushed you away, and you contribute so much to my strength. I’m not myself when I’m not around you - when I’m not with you. You deserve so much better than you’ve gotten, honey, and I’m going to give that to you if you’d let me.”
Maura gave her a long, appraising look. “Be honest, Jane. If I tell you to leave me alone, will you go and marry him?”
Without missing a beat, Jane answered, “No. I wouldn’t. It’s not the right thing for me to do, regardless of whether you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”
"I don’t suppose anyone knows about this?"
Jane grinned a little. “Well, Tommy does. I told him I needed to borrow his truck, because I was leaving Casey and I wanted to ditch town for a couple days. Wasn’t sure where exactly I was going, and I figured I might want something that’d be up for a rough drive. Maybe go someplace woodsy.” She shrugged. “I made him promise not to tell anyone, but I mean, it’s Tommy. Y’know he’s gonna let it slip.”
"You want him to tell everyone for you."
"Hey, it’s not about being afraid. It’s about not wanting to deal with my mother right now, mostly," Jane chuckled. "I did get in touch with Casey, though. I figured he deserved the same courtesy he’s always given me when it came time to delivering delicate news - more so, really, considering it was an hand-written letter longer than three sentences. I left it on the doormat."
Again, Maura stared a long time. She knew Jane’s body language like the back of her hand, and she could tell from her expression to the way she’d carried herself that Jane was being entirely honest. That she was finally ready.
"What d’you say, doc?" she whispered. "Wanna be spontaneous with me?"
There would be no pushing, no begging. Jane knew that if Maura turned her down, even if she looked pained or hesitant to do it, that it was her right and that she, Jane, had to respect that.
But after another agonizingly long pause, Maura said, “Something woodsy. Should I bring a sleeping bag?”
"You could…but I’ve already got one."
"You’ve got one for me?"
"No," Jane said with a crooked smile. "I’ve got one."
Maura managed a small smile back, then said, “Let me throw some things together.”
Jane would’ve offered to help, but she knew when Maura went back inside that this step was partly a trust exercise: Maura leaving her alone, giving her the chance to change her mind and drive away, but trusting her not to. Jane letting her go in alone, trusting her not to call Frankie or Angela or Casey.
She came back outside a little under five minutes later, and stopped, breathless, at the deceptively simple sight in front of her.
Jane sitting in the driver’s seat once more, door propped open, arms folded over the rolled-down window. The strand of hair was back in her face, but she was too quietly content to brush it away this time. Maura had always loved Jane’s smile for how wide and how loud it was, from her dimples to her bright teeth. But there was something new and distinctly gorgeous about the very subdued, relieved, excited smile that graced her expression now.
"You look happy," Maura observed.
"You know something I was dreading? Something specific? Getting in front of all those people and saying I loved him. Hearing people tell me afterwards what a beautiful ceremony it was, and how happy they were for me. Hell, it was awful enough beforehand. And… geez, Maura, I hate that it took something so drastic and so horrible for me to get to this place, but I know Ma is gonna call me when she finds out what happened. And I’m gonna placate her with a text to tell her I’m fine, so that you and I can just have the weekend to ourselves. But when we get back, I’m gonna tell her to her face how much I love you. I’m going to tell her and my father and my brothers that I am never going to love someone as much as I love you, and that you are irreplaceable. And I get so happy thinking about that. I am so proud, and so excited for them to know. I’m excited for everyone to know. I’m so happy you’ll take me, Maura.”
"I’d take you anywhere, Jane Rizzoli. Now let’s get started."
(via ladylicker33)Source: outrageous-romance
- 3 days ago